he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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