i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
