Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
cat food counts as protein by the way
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
