listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
