Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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