Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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