Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
