This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
