Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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