I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize