There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize