Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
