dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
