i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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