Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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