Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
