Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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