i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
