dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
