I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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