Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
