What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
