My friends, they love my intelligence
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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