I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
