those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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