playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
