Life is so much better after having sex.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
