hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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