I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
