no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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