We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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