bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I need to align my fucking chakras
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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