tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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