Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
