We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize