just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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