So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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