I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
