Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize