Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
