cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i will never coherently bang her
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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