This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
