i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
