You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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