new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
