I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
