Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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