My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
