On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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