Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
