I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
