my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
