I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
