I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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