i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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