Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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