Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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