New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
